How You Gonna Handle?
by Sakura Maxwell
Summary: Ch.4 XD;; | 1x2 Duo POV. After everything he's been through, Duo falls deeper into depression, his mask finally dissolving. Will the person who was once his crush be able to help him or will he drive Duo over the edge? Self-injury, swearing, shounen-ai.
1. Carried Away

Hi peoplez!!! Aiiiyaaaaahh, I went and wrote something else instead of working on my other series'!! Don't kill me!! *runz and hidez from all the angry fanz* Eeeeep! Okay, okay, but for those who like shounen-ai, and like 1x2 pairings, this is for yoooouuuuu!! o.o;;  
  
Credits! ----  
  
Nym-Omi! Yes, that author gave me inspiration, after reading **Never Healed**. It's AWESOME! Go read it!! I got some ideas from her(?) so.. Oi.. I dunno if Nym is guy or girl..cuz like..he/she says he/she has a wifey Ais? Or something? IIIYAAAAA!! Confusing.._ Oh wellz.. Sorry if I offended you, but please, do tell me what gender you are, Nym-Omi.. o_o''  
  
  
Okay, that's all..lol! That and the fact that I need some credit!! XP I'm the one who wrote this piece of shit after all!! Something are based on how I feel and what I've done.. (No, I didn't get held by Heero, damn that's a shame! T_T) OooOo.. I just gave away a part of the..fic.. DAMNIT!!  
  
  
Disclaimer: [insert whatever appropriate for covering ones own ass] --isn't that hilarious? Okay okay, so I like weird things but.. Nym-Omi is sooo cool!! *sigh* I wish I could write like Nym... @_@ Okay, my disclaimer, which is soooo boring. I do not own Gundam Wing, please do not sue as this is just for entertainment, nothing else. You sue me, I sue you for trying to sue me after saying I do not own these damn characters and not to sue me! So nyah! P  
  
Warnings: Language (they say fuck, my friend), suicide, shounen-ai! ..Well, why the hell am I putting that as a warning? O.o;  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Notes: None! I know I started writing this at 9 something at night last night and finished it about..now.. Like, 6: 30 in the morning! LOL!!! So..beware. O_O And, NO, I did not stay up all night writing this.. X_x I would've if I could, but my damned gramma told me I spend too much time on the computer. I wanted to strangle her and say What about you and your damned obsession with the fucking T.V.?!.. Heheheh..o.o.. And why is it that whenever I get inspiration, someone tells me to get off? I mean, I could write it on paper, but I don't write fast enough and my ideas go..POOF! So..yea.. DAMN THESE OLD PEOPLE!!!!! *faints*  
  
  
**How You Gonna Handle?**  
written by Sakura Maxwell   
  
  
  
Chapter 1  
  
_Carried Away_  
  
  
_  
  
  
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP  
  
  
_ The alarm goes off, but do I care? No.. Why should I care? I was awake long before that thing was set to go off now.. 5: 15 AM.. Those blank red letters read 3: 26 AM when I got up. Got up from.. Argh..  
  
I look up and stare at my pale reflection in the hazed mirror. All I see are two violet eyes that hold nothing. Nothing.. Lifeless.. Meaningless.. Worthless...   
  
Worthless..  
  
That's all I am.. I am worth what jackshit is worth. Fuck..   
  
I hate this image! I yell angrily, curling my fingers into a fist and punching the mirror with all my strength. The glass cracks, and I feel sticky blood slide down my fist. The pain feels like nothing. I've endured worse. My breathing is ragged. I hate my life, I hate myself, I hate living!   
  
Then I start to laugh, softly. What if Heero saw me like this? How would he react? Would he shun me away, ignore me? ..He ignores me anyway.. How could Heero ever be fond of a reck like me? I suffer from..what? Depression? Yea, whatever. I'm sure billions of people all over the fucking world suffer from depression. Well, theirs' is a stupid chemical unbalance. They haven't fought in a bloody damn war like I have. They haven't been used, raped, and treated like shit the way I have either.   
  
I cringe at the thought of my past. Heero would want a virgin, someone pure, like Relena, not someone like me, who had sex with God knows how many people.. Relena and Heero.. Yea, I can see their wedding clearly. He puts on the ring.. And they seal their vows with a...kiss..   
  
I slump down to the cold, emotionless tile floor, grabbing the razor from the sink as I fall. A wedding.. Heero and Relena.. I can't live like that.. Knowing that they'll marry each other someday.. I mean, c`mon, it's obvious to anyone that Relena loves Heero. Heero, on the other hand, plays hard to get, or so it seems.. He always tries to stay away from her, always tries to go somewhere else whenever he's informed that's he's coming. He practically dragged me to a ..movie theater just to get away from her once. It's like, damn! How hard are you trying to play anyway? Or..could it be that he really _doesn't_ love her..? That he truly has no feelings towards her, except for maybe anger, irritation, and sickness? ..Haha.. Don't get carried away Maxwell, this is your fucking wishful thinking that's trying to delude you..   
  
I hate thinking. Thinking makes you think about things you don't want to think about.. Fuck..  
  
I stare at the razor in my hands. Lovely razor.. Haha.. My only friend, the only one who soothes me whenever I feel down.. What? Sadistic? No.. Maybe.. Pain.. I crave it.. I cut my wrist and hiss in delight as the pain rushes through my arm, my body. The blood starts to flow, but I don't care. Maybe I can really kill myself this time. Maybe I can..   
  
  
  
Wufei.. That's what he would call me.. I scrape my other wrist and savor the pain, the pleasure.   
  
  
  
I laugh aloud. Trowa? I don't think he'd know what to say, speechless is how he would be.. I run the razor blade against my leg now and let the crimson run.   
  
Please stop, don't waste your life!  
  
Quatre.. Peace-loving Quatre.. Damn him! He loves peace so much, cares so much, worries so much.. He'd..probably feel guilty if I die.. No! Maybe I can leave them a letter..on the floor..in my..blood. But would they find me? Hell, of course they would. Quatre'd probably faint, Wufei would be mumbling weak little onna, but feel some sort of sadness, I'm sure of it. Trowa would be in shock, and He--  
  
  
  
I stop.   
  
  
  
Heero's voice. He wouldn't care at all, would he? No, he'd be the Perfect Soldier, he'd show no emotion, even though there wouldn't be any emotion to be displayed except maybe disgust. I wince. He would be disgusted with me. He would think I was pathetic.. Weak, useless, nothing, worthless..  
  
Fuck that!  
  
I don't give a fucking rat's ass _WHAT_ Heero thinks. It's _MY_ life, not _HIS_! I'll do _whatever_ _I_ _want_! And I won't _care_ what that frickin' Japanese boy _thinks_!  
  
I gasp and cry out in surprise and pain. I look down at my legs and see a shit load of blood pouring to the floor. What the fuck?! I exclaim in horror. I was cutting myself all this time.. Thinking about Heero, and what he would think.. I'm... Shit!   
  
I try to get up but slip on my own sticky blood and crash back down to the floor. I bite back a cry. Damn, this floor is fucking cold and hard. I feel even more dazed than before.. What time is it, anyway--  
  
Duo, breakfast! Quatre's voice calls out from the hallway.  
  
Fuck.   
  
Well, there's my answer.  
  
This is just great. I scramble to get up again and grasp the shower curtain. I pull myself up and flip the water on.   
  
Quatre must have hear the water running. Duo! Take a shower after! The pancakes are gonna get cold!   
  
Ju--Just a minute, Quatre! I reply hastily, washing off all the blood while trying to stay calm and regain focus of reality. My vision is blurry, and I can't see too clearly. Damn it all!!  
  
  
  
I wash off my arms.  
  
Duo.. Are you okay? He sounds worried.   
  
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.   
  
Maxwell, get down already! Wufei's voice hollers from outside.   
  
Oh shit, now Wufei too. I'm almost done, I'm almost done, don't open that door.. Shit, why didn't I lock it?! I was too busy in my stupid thoughts.. Fuuuuck!!!  
  
I grab a towel and wet it, bend down, and start vigorously wiping the tile. Please don't leave blood stains, please don't leave blood stains, please don't leave blood stains..please please..  
  
Duo.. We're all waiting.. Trowa says.  
  
Ju--Just a minute!! I repeat.  
  
Damnit, Maxwell, just get your damn ass down already!  
  
So--Sorry, Wufei!!  
  
Silence.  
  
What did I do wrong--FUCK! I called him Wufei.. I never call him by his name, only nicknames.. Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck fuck fuck!!  
  
..Maxwell.. What are you doing...?  
  
  
  
Cleaning.. What?  
  
  
  
Again silence. What?! Myself.. So? It's not like they haven't been dirty before.. Except..yea.. They haven't been as dirty as I will always be.. No, never.. They are all virgins.. I myself am not.. How could I ever hope to equal up to them? The idea..is..awkward..   
  
Duo. Open the door.  
  
Eeeeep..  
  
I ask, my voice unusually high.   
  
Get dressed and get out. Everyone else is waiting for you downstairs. Now open this door, he says forcefully.  
  
Ya know.. I really hate it when he orders me around..  
  
So why don't you go downstairs and wait with them? I reply snappily.  
  
It sounded like Heero couldn't think of anything for a moment, and had choked, but that must be my imagination. `Cause that's just..weird..  
  
Quatre wants you to come down _now_.   
  
Well, too bad! I ain't done yet so get the hell away from here. I throw the now blood-stained towel into the sink. If anyone finds it I'll say I spilled red ink. Ha ha.. Are they gonna believe me? Probably. Who in the world would guess that Duo Maxwell would try and kill himself? I grab another towel and wipe my legs, which are stained with almost dried blood.. Sticky..blood..  
  
I shake my head, then gasp as I hear the doorknob turning.  
  
Heero! What the fuck are you doin'?! I cry out, pulling the towel over my legs as fast as lightning.  
  
He fully opens it and looks in. Well, at least you aren't naked, he states, almost breaking his stone-like features and smirking. I turn my head and glare at him. Get out! I shout.   
  
Heero shakes his head. What are you doing? he asks.   
  
Just cleaning something.  
  
Like what?  
  
...Damn him.. Why does he want to know?!  
  
  
  
..You're hiding something..  
  
I am not!  
  
Yes, you are.  
  
No, I'm not, just get out!!  
  
Get out get out get out..   
  
Instead, that damned bastard grabs my arm and twists it so that I face him. I bite back my pain and, if looks could kill, that fag would be dead in seconds.   
  
  
  
Fuck, I don't want pity, I don't want pity, I don't _WANT_ pity!  
  
He snatches the towel before I can react. Well, fuck, I should've just killed myself. I don't want to look at him.. So I look at the floor. He's probably looking at me in disgust anyway..  
  
  
  
Yea, his voice is.. Wait. The hell? His voice sounds different.. Sounds like he's..pitying me? ...Wow. Wait, no, I don't want pity, damnit!  
  
..What happened, Duo..?  
  
I don't answer. I don't want to, and besides, I don't have an answer to give him. Not one that would make much sense to the almighty Perfect Soldier anyway.  
  
My eyes widen as Heero bends down and places his fingers under my chin, making me look up at him. His eyes.. They're so..deep. Beautiful blue.. Dizzy..  
  
I shake my head, and bury it in my knees. Go away.. I say, dizzy. Maybe Heero can sense my weakness? I don't know. I just know what he's doing right now.. Sorta.. Damn, I'm losing consciousness.  
  
I..can't..just leave you like this.. he mumbles, picking me up unexpectantly. I squeek in surprise, but I'm hardly strong enough to resist. So he's gonna tell, gonna show me like this, huh? Fine. Degrade me. Embarrass me. I don't give a fuck anymore. I don't care what people think. I won't be here much longer anyway! So fuck them, damnit, I don't need whatever they're thinking..  
  
My mind suddenly whirls to the situation now, with Heero holding me, walking, where..? I don't know.. But .. Yay? I die..in his arms? Boy, this sure is corny. Oh well.. At least..even if he hates me..   
  
You hate me.. I whisper before losing conscious.  
  
  
  
  
-  
  
  
  
  
Okay, so how was that, ppl?! Sucky?? Cliffhanger?? MWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!! I AM THE QUEEN OF CLIFFHANGERS!!! MWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA---ACK! *dodges rotten garbage and other things not to be mentioned (i.e. toilet seats) being thrown at her* AIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!! *hides behind Heero*   
  
Heero: Wtf? Get away. You made Duo faint. You didn't even let me kiss him yet!  
Me: Well, no da! (heh) Duo doesn't know you love him, and besides, it's to early in the fic to start kissing, DAMNIT! *ducks as toilet paper rolls are thrown*  
Heero: ... *side-steps*  
Me: AIIIIYAAAAH!! *runz*  
Heero: Heh.. P *hugz the unconscious Duo*


	2. Liar

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, so don't sue me. Believe me, you can't get rich offa me. Wakkata? Wakarimasu ka? Don't sue me ¬ ¬;;..  
  
Warnings: Swearing, attempted suicide (again!), shounen-ai (for those of you who wandered into this fic without a clue to what it is..shounen-ai means boy love, as in boy/boy relationships. to be put simply.. GAYNESS! XD)  
  
Rating: PG - 13  
  
Notes: Below! D  
  
Ahahaaaa, people, I'mma back!!! ..  
  
*sees that it's deserted*  
  
Okay. I'm so loved. *stalks off*  
  
..  
  
*rushes back*  
  
OKAY!!! I don't care if no one's reading this!!! Anyway, yea yea, I finally typed out the 2nd stinkin' chapter for this gay ass series. Haha. Hey, did anyone notice that I spelt Nym-Oni's name wrong???? LOL I'm so STUPID!! XD Also, did anyone notice when I typed:   
  
Thinking about Heero, and what he would think.. I'm... Shit!  
  
LOL Looks like Duo said, I'm shit! O_o;; I didn't notice until _after_ I posted it up and printed it out. (Yea, I never catch my mistakes until after when I read it over on paper for about 2 - 3 times. Funny how I catch other ppl's mistakes easily though... ¬ ¬;;... I guess it's because the person who writes the story and then reads it already knows how the story will go, so they kind of not really read it, but more of a ....skim? I dunno! x.x;;)  
  
Another thing! You know how Duo heard his alarm go off in the first chapter? Remember? And then Quatre was calling him. I guess I never thought about it until yesterday. Here's the deal, Duo's bathroom is in his room, but he could hear Quatre and folks talking from outside his room. Then Heero, being the insensitive person he is, just waltzed into Duo's room, thus he being able to open the door, since Quatre and folks actually _have_ manners and didn't barge in. ¬ ¬;;...  
  
Aaaah.. Okay.. This chapter sucks...  
  
  
**How You Gonna Handle?**  
written by Sakura Maxwell   
  
  
  
Chapter 2  
  
_Liar_  
  
  
_  
  
  
_   
  
Slowly, my eyes open and I blink, surrounded by darkness. Like I'm not used to that. Haha.  
  
I push myself up and instantly regret it. The pressure put on my wrist is too much for me to handle at the moment. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. This could have been worse. I could have been sent to the hospital, and God knows I hate hospitals. They have this weird aura in them. Besides, it stinks there, and I hate needles.  
  
I turn to look at the clock. 6 : 25 PM. So everyone is still awake.. Great. What luck. I wonder what they'll say if I go down there. Hmm.. Let's see.. Quatre would fuss, Trowa would try to calm Quatre down and give me somewhat of a blank stare / glare, Wufei would snort and / or glare at me in disgust (or ignore me. I prefer that.), and Heero would...  
  
I cringe.  
  
No, Duo, stop _right there_. Don't _even_ think about that evil, emotionless, cold, jack-assy bastard. Don't think, don't think, don't think, don't think--  
  
Quatre calls from somewhere outside this dark room. Dinner's ready.  
  
I gulp. Quatre sounds normal (normal means him sounding like a wife?). So.. He's trying to sound like nothing even happened. ... Stupid asshole..  
  
Oh, are you okay? he asks. Heero said you felt pretty sick and fainted, so..  
  
Eh? What? Heero said _WHAT_?! But.. But that's a lie.. He lied. Acha, but why would he lie to Quatre? ..Damn, this is confusing...  
  
I.. I still don't feel so well.. I respond, trying to sound sick and feeble. I cough (haha) and say, I think I'll skip dinner.  
  
  
  
I smile. Quatre's so caring.. Unlike Mr. I-don't-give-a-crap-about-anyone. (And we know who that is, don't we, little kids?)  
  
It's alright, Quatre. I'm not that hungry. My stomach isn't really cooperating with me at the moment. Haha. Lie. I haven't eaten since yesterday, and my stomach is screaming out for food.  
  
Are you sure..? He sounds worried.  
  
  
  
Well.. Okay.. But come down when you are, alright? I'll have everything in the fridge, so just microwave it or something.  
  
Mm hm. Cough.  
  
`Kay then..  
  
...Whoo. He's gone. I think. Aaah.. He cares _too_ much. Sigh. I have to go when everyone's definitely asleep, which could be really early or really late. (One extreme or another, jeez. Make it easier for a pathetic soul, would you?) Please let them go to sleep early.. Please, please, please...  
  
Grabbing the sheets, I throw them over my body and attempt to sleep.  
  
-  
  
_Click_  
  
BAM! LIGHTS! LIGHTS! BRIGHTNESS!  
  
Ch.. DAMNIT! TURN OFF THE FUCKING LIGHT!! I yell angrily, trying to pull the sheets over my head, but end up grabbing plain air. The sheets.. They're gone. Oh, yay. I put my arms over my eyes to shield the evil brightness. Ah.. This is better.. But I'd like that light to go off, PLEASE!! And of course, two firm hands with a frickin' STRONG grip grabs my arms and I hiss in pain. The freakin' bastard is grabbing my wrists!!  
  
LET ME GO, YOU ASSHOLE!! I scream, tearing my arms away and lifting my leg, sending a quick kick to the guy's face. Good. I hope I did some good damage. I gather my breath, still pretty blinded from the light, and demand, enraged, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?! Whoever the hell was screwing around here would definitely not live to see another day after facing the wrath of a very psycho, mentally challenged, mentally unstable, crazy, suicidal freak. AKA me.  
  
Nice greeting, he states flatly.  
  
_Bing!  
  
_My eyes snap open, then promptly narrow to slits from the luminous room. I sputter in hatred and bewilderment. What the _fuck_ are _YOU_ doing here?! OI! I yell as he turns his back and starts walking away. You shit head! Answer me--  
  
he asks, flicking the light switch down. I'm drowning in darkness again. Aaah.. Feels good. I slowly open my eyes and scowl at his amused features.  
  
Go away. And, I say, noticing the sheets in his hand, give me back my sheets.  
  
Asshole man smirks and holds them up tauntingly. Come and get them, he says. I growl. Bastard. Give them to me _NOW_!  
  
Make me.  
  
I blink, stunned. Since when did Heero gain this kind of attitude?! Oh, he must _love_ degrading me.. The mother fucker... I am gonna make him _pay_ for this.. Surely.. He will _die_ for what he's doing..  
  
Then something else clicks inside of me. He knows I'm weak, and that because of me slicing my legs, I can't fully stand without leaning onto something. Eyelids lower, and I look at my hands, tears brimming my eyes. So what if he sees? So what if he teases, taunts, acts like the asshole he is? I should be used to this already.. But I guess for all those years I bottled up my feelings I'm now gonna burst. I'm reaching the point of insanity, where I'll just lose myself to the past and end up killing myself. But .. That's what I want anyway..  
  
A smile tugs at the corners of my lips. This is just too ironic. Mr. Cheerful, Mr. Happy, Mr. Sarcastic, Mr. Always-bring-up-your-hopes-in-the-shittiest-of-times.. is cracking. Those masks are cracking. I laugh. This is just too funny..  
  
Suddenly, I feel weight add onto the bed and his hands on my shoulders, gripping me firmly. Ah crap... Just go away.. Leave me alone...  
  
Duo. Duo! What's wrong? Mr. Unsociable asks. Do I hear a tinge of worry in his voice? That would be a hoot if it were _true_. But it's not. I am _really_ delusional right now--Agh.. Damn bastard is shaking me now. Jeez, what the hell is he trying to do to me? Put me through even more pain? ...I didn't know he had a sick side like that in him... Ooo.. I hate him even more.  
  
Duo, Duo! Answer me! What's wrong?!  
  
It's not real, it's not real, it's not real.. I'm just being delusional.. Aie.. Shaking, shaking becoming more violent.. Ouch. That hurts.. Throbbing pain in my head. Oh, great, thanks a lot, Perfect Soldier Man. You really know how to torture injured victims. Ach.. Eh? Shaking. Stopped. His hands. Gone. Yippie! Oh, I'm free--Nevermind. Now those stupid hands are grasping my cheeks and making me look straight at him. I feel like spitting in his face. But I don't want more pain to come, which I know will happen if I spit. Oh boy.. Respect the injured--..  
  
he says with a sterner voice than before. What's. Wrong? Tell me.. His eyes look...angry and concerned at the same time... Eh.. Concerned? ...Delusional..  
  
Duo. Tell _me_. Now.  
  
Oooooooh... The Mr. Stony-idiot-who-is-extremely-evil-in-a-cold-way attitude is kicking in. Fine. Want me to tell you what's wrong? Really? Ha. You wouldn't really care anyway, would you?  
  
Duo, answer me now. _What's_ wrong--  
  
  
  
Weee... I said it!!! And let's watch his reaction....  
  
His hands leave my face and slump down. Ah? Interesting. He's off the bed now. Thank you! And my sheets...  
  
...are silently draped over my body. Hah? I look up and see his back turned to me. You know, that kind of hurts me in a small ity bity way because it seems as if that's his way of rejecting me. ..But then again, he's rejected me ever since I met him..  
  
..S..Sorry to bother..you..  
  
PFFT! BIG EYES; WHAT?! His--His voice!!! It.. It sounded so UNLIKE Heero!!~! Oh..my..gosh.. I better go back to sleep before I start to see pigs flying. Aigh..  
  
_Slam!_  
  
Ara.. Oh joy, he's gone! I'm enveloped in darkness again. ..Hell, what am I saying? I've _always_ been in darkness... The..  
  
..darkness of my own heart..  
  
I've always been alone..  
  
My eyes widen. No, I wasn't alone. Not with them. Not with Father Maxwell and Sister Helen. No.. I was happy when I was with them, and I wasn't alone. I wasn't alone when I was with Solo either. He helped to take care of me after finding me.. But.. But he died of a virus..and I wasn't there to save him. Damnit! ..And I wasn't there to save Father Maxwell and Sister Helen when they destroyed the Maxwell Church. Those bastards! I was going to get them their stupid mobile suit, but they had to go and kill everyone?! ARGGGGHHH!!!! That's so not fair!! I.. I..  
  
I am is Duo Maxwell. Together, Solo and I, we were a duo. Thus my first name. And Maxwell. For Father Maxwell and Sister Helen and the Maxwell Church. I'm the only one that survived. But could you really call it surviving? I wasn't exactly there. After that bloody incident, I wish I _did_ die with everyone else. That way, I wouldn't be here right now, tormented by all the emotions and angst that I buried inside for too long. Oh, Solo, Father Maxwell, Sister Helen, why didn't you guys take me with you? Why did you have to go and leave me here in this rotten world? I didn't want to live, I didn't want to survive! What did I gain by surviving?! Pain! Pain, pain, pain! There's absolutely no point in me living anymore!!  
  
..That's right. There's no point in me living anymore.  
  
Steadily, I push myself up with my elbows and throw off the sheets infected with Heero's touch. Yea, they seem to feel cold all of a sudden. I shove myself off the bed and grasp the small nightstand to keep my balance. Remember, no pressure to the injured legs and wrists. From there, I slowly, slowly walk towards the bathroom door. Okay.. Good.. Almost there..  
  
Alright. I shakily grab hold of the door knob and twist it open. I carefully step inside, since I can't really support myself with my weak legs. Blood-loss! ..Ah..now where is..my..razor?  
  
Argh! I bet that idiot Heero went and took it away! No! Jackass! I fling the cabinet open. Ah ha! So the idiot _didn't _take it away! Wow, how stupid. Maybe he _wants_ me to kill myself. Yea, mostly likely. But then why did he lie to Quatre? Hum. Interesting. That thing is confusing.  
  
I take the razor out and slide down onto the cold tile floor. Huh. Looks like I didn't stain the floor after all. But doesn't blood stain? ...Like I said before, thinking just becomes a pain. Hmph. Let's just push that aside until after we're dead, Duo. Then I can ask almighty God before I go to hell.  
  
I stare at my wounded wrist. It's so easy to just end it. Just one slice. Why did God make it so easy? I wonder. Okay.. Getting away from the reason why I scooted my ass here..  
  
One slice. That's all. I bring the razor to my wrist. Soon.. It'll all be over soon..  
  
  
  
Eck.  
  
..Where.. DUO!  
  
Tch. I really need to learn to lock the damn door.. And here comes the demon knight.. Barging in!  
  
  
  
He grabs my shoulders--Agh, not the shaking! Noo!--and..shakes me. Sheeze. Notice how the person who you hate and confuses you always does things you don't want them to right on the spot. Wait..that's why you hate them.. Nevermind.. I don't think I'm thinking straight. My poor head..Aie..  
  
What the hell are you doing, Duo?! he demands, glancing at the fallen razor, then back at me. Are you going to try _again_?!  
  
Why wouldn't I? I respond carelessly, and see his expression become one of shock.  
  
There are people who care for you, Duo.  
  
Reeaaally? Name `em.  
  
Quatre, Trowa, Wufei, Sally, Relena,--(Eh?)--..and--  
  
_If_ they really cared about me, I spit with venom, suddenly filled with anger, they would have noticed that what they saw wasn't true! Hmph. Now what are you going to say, oh powerful one? Heero? Think of something? What, that I'm too good at concealing it, too good at keeping secrets?  
  
My name is Duo Maxwell. I may run and hide, but I never tell a lie.' ... What happened to that? he asks softly.  
  
I stare at him, stunned. How.. How..does he know that..? I've..never said that in front of him in my entire life! ..How?!  
  
It was a lie.. I mumble with a smile, head lowered. I can't see his expression, but from what I'm guessing, with my delusional mind and all, that it's both angry and dismayed. Isn't that funny?  
  
..Duo.. I..  
  
You! You _what_?! Hate me with everything within you?! Despise me for all I'm worth?! Scorn me for my weakness?! What, Heero?! _WHAT_?! Spit it out already! It's not like it's exactly a _secret_, you fucking bastard--Mmph  
  
My eyes widen. Wha.. What the.. What the fuck is he _doing_?! He--He--He's..  
  
KISSING ME?!  
  
..Thi.. This can't be happening... N--No fucking way.. Heero.. The Perfect Soldier, the emotionless gundam pilot..trained to ignore everything and concentrate on the mission.. kissing me? ...I used to always fantasize about this moment, when the person I believed I loved most would drop his cold mask and kiss me.. But.. But..that..was..before I realized what an asshole he could be. I think..I.. I..  
  
Shaking, I shove him away from me with all my strength. I can see him in a sort of kneeling position, looking at the bathroom floor, not at me. I stare, eyes wide as saucers. Confusion, anger, hate are flooding my mind, my body. I feel powerless. My.. My emotions are taking control.. I think I.. I..  
  
I _hate_ you, Heero Yuy!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
-  
  
  
  
  
Woo hoo! Finally! Yes? It sucks? Yea, I know. I tried to make it as long as the first chapter. I think it's longer. O_o;; ..Err.. Anyway.. Like the ending? HEHEHEHEE!!! MWA HAHAHA--! *buried in rotten garbage(of course garbage is rotten!)*  
  
Heero: ...  
Duo: ...Damn bastard kissed me..  
Heero: O_O;; EH?! But--But--But..  
Duo: I hate you.  
  
--**DING!**--  
  
--**START LET'S LEARN JAPANESE!**--  
  
Today, you'll learn how to say I hate you in two ways! The basic form that is mostly used is:  
  
**Anata / kimi / omae / anta / kisama / person's name _ga_ kirai (desu.)**  
  
means . So does , , and . is , but I think it's if you despise the person. (ie. Motoko from Love Hina refers to Keitaro as Urashima and kisama and she doesn't like him.)   
  
If you want to be specific, like you're talking to a person that you don't hate, then you can put the person's name who you hate. Like if Duo was talking to Deathscythe:  
  
**Duo: Heero ga kirai (desu!)**  
  
Next is the particle . Similar to but you don't use for this. You can say I hate you without the particle . Example:  
  
**Anata / kimi / omae / anta / kisama / person's name kirai (desu.)**  
  
means . For a more dramatic effect (or if you simply REALLY REALLY hate the person), just add to (). Example:  
  
**Anata / kimi / omae / anta / kisama / person's name _ga_ daikirai (desu.)**  
  
Now, you see how is in parentheses? It's optional.  
  
Yay! You just learned some Japanese today! (Even if it's negative..) BUT! ...Hehe.. O_o;; Wasn't that easy? Next time, you'll be learning some adjectives and maybe a sentence (if, IF I remember. o.o;;)  
  
--**END LET'S LEARN JAPANESE!**--  
  
--**DING!**--  
  
Heero: O_o;;  
Sakura M.: Hehe. It was a one time thing. I was bored. Uh... Getting back to the...conversation..  
Duo: Kisama ga daikirai desu. *referring to Heero*  
Heero: *does the dramatic my-world-is-shattered mirror effect* *passes out*  
Duo: ...  
Sakura M.: ..o.O; I didn't think that was possible.  
Duo: ....  
Sakura M.: *stares at the dots* Didn't think _that_ was possible, either. o.o;; Anyway! Please Review!  
  
Sakura M.: PS(M! no o.O;;) ..O.o;; Meaningless babble--  
Wufei: *out of nowhere* Isn't this whole thing meaningless?  
Sakura M.: *vein pops out* Shut up! *kicks Wufei into a pond of piranhas*  
Wufei: AIIGH! To be defeated by a wo--*gurgle gurgle*  
Sakura M.: Anyway.. *ignores Wufei's pain-streaked cries* .. Aherm. I WATCHED TWELVE (12) EPISODES OF YU-GI-OH! (Japanese) Woo-hoo! I love anime's that have cards! (I mean, uses cards like CCS) It's awesome! The opening song is kewl! Woo! Okay, I'm done. *looks at the pond and sees bones floating up* o.o *scoots away slowly*


	3. Aftermath

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing, do not sue me. This is only for entertainment.  
Rating: PG-13  
Warnings: Swearing, alcohol, drunkenness  
  
- 1x2  
- Angst  
- Cutting  
- Rating may change to R.  
**  
  
How You Gonna Handle?**  
written by Sakura Maxwell   
  
  
  
Chapter 3  
  
_Aftermath_  
  
  
_  
  
_  
..Duo.. I..  
  
You! You _what_?! Hate me with everything within you?! Despise me for all I'm worth?! Scorn me for my weakness?! What, Heero?! _WHAT_?! Spit it out already! It's not like it's exactly a _secret_, you fucking bastard--Mmph  
  
My eyes widen. Wha.. What the.. What the fuck is he _doing_?! He--He--He's..  
  
KISSING ME?!  
  
Shaking, I shove him away from me with all my strength. I can see him in a sort of kneeling position, looking at the bathroom floor, not at me. I stare, eyes wide as saucers. Confusion, anger, hate are flooding my mind, my body. I feel powerless. My.. My emotions are taking control.. I think I.. I..  
  
I _hate_ you, Heero Yuy!  
  
I inhale slowly, taking in deep breaths. Okay, I've just said what sums up about everything in my mind right now.. And I'm so confused! What the hell is going on..?! I look at Heero warily, and surprise myself to see his hands already in fists, shaking.  
  
..His..  
  
His whole body is shaking..  
  
The hell?!  
  
What the fuck is going on?! I demand aloud.  
  
Silence.  
  
I narrow my eyes at him, then push myself from the bathroom tiled floor. I need to get out of here, I need something that'll get my mind off of this stupid, insane, crazy, confusing topic!  
  
_Bling bling!_  
  
Right.. I need a drink...  
  
I spin around and walk out of the bathroom, though my weight (weight? thinness...) is really killing my legs. My God. Ergh.. Well, alcohol will most definitely help with all of this shit.  
  
I grab my robe from the closet and, as I'm draping it over me, the door bursts open, Quatre standing at the opening breathing hard.  
  
Duo, I heard screaming! What happened?! he asks, voice filled with worry.  
  
I stare, and Quatre gives me a funny look.  
  
Duo, are you okay? he asks.  
  
I.. I'm fine! I quickly blurt. I.. I just had a nightmare. Really shitty one, too. But, ah, I'm fine now... What if he doesn't believe me? .. My God! What if he sees Heero?! I'm in deep shit! Oh, damn, damn, damn!  
  
But Quatre's expression lightens. (Whew..) That's good, he replies, smiling. (Very good, very good.) Is there anything you need? Are you still feeling sick?  
  
I blink, weighing my choices. I could tell him I'm still sick and say I was gonna get something to eat downstairs, but I don't think my stomach knows what food is anymore, and I'm pretty sure he'll follow me and try to shove all kinds of things into me. (Eck.)  
  
Or I could tell him the truth. (Oooooh, fuck.)  
  
  
  
Q-man, I need a drink, I answer coolly, grinning as best I can.  
  
Quatre's eyebrows raise slightly, expression skeptical. A drink? he asks hesitantly. But, Duo, is that really good for you? I mean, I'm not trying to intrude or anything but drinking when you don't feel so well isn't exactly such a good idea.  
  
Eh, it's okay! I exclaim, walking up to him. I'm kinda shaken and all from that nightmare, so I think a drink will do nicely. Help me to relax, you know?  
  
Quatre still looks doubtful.   
  
I put a hand on his shoulder reassuringly. It's _okay_! I laugh. I won't get carried away, and I won't get drunk. I promise! Alright?  
  
He looks down, and I feel a pang of guilt. Damnit, Quatre shouldn't have to put with me. He's just trying to do what's best for me and all I'm doing is lying to him. God, I'm scum.  
  
It's okay.. You can. If it'll make you feel better.. he says.  
  
I say, pretending to sound happy. Damnit.. I'm such a jerk. I follow him out of my room and shut the door. Well, at least Heero didn't come out. Stupid bastard. He better get out quickly, though. Erg..  
  
Well, I hope you forget whatever was bothering you, and that nightmare, he says, smiling again. Good night, Duo.  
  
I blink. I really don't deserve him as a friend.  
  
Smiling, I say, G`night, Q-man!, waving as he walks down the hall to his room. I slowly lower my hand when his door closes, smile fading.  
  
What would happen if he knew? Just what _would_ be his reaction, _exactly_? I shudder, not wanting to even do that far. He'll never know, just like everyone else. It will always be my horrible, disgusting, shameful secret.  
  
--Well, except for that idiot who BETTER be outta my room, but for some reason I highly doubt he's gonna tell anyone. Not so soon, anyway. And if he does, I _should_ be dead by then.  
  
I shake my head and go up two floors until I find the palour. I can see the small wet bar. Aaaah, sanctuary.  
  
I make my way in back of the counter and grab some bottles. Right now, I need something strong, something that'll make me just _forget_. I start pouring anything into a glass, mixing in some coke. Coke, yum.  
  
Tilting my head back, I down the contents. Aaaaahh, burns down my throat.. Damn..what the hell did I put in this thing... I shrug. It doesn't really matter, as long as it'll make me forget. I soon find myself making more and more drinks, until I just can't keep my hands from spilling the drinks. In no time flat I can feel the effects of them; my head is pounding and everything is blurry.  
  
Exactly the effect I was looking for.  
  
I place my glass down..well..more like drop it, but whatever, and turn around to grab another bottle when blackness takes over and I drop to the floor, unconscious.  
  
-  
  
Well, why the _hell_ did you let him get drunk _that_ late at night?!  
  
I--I'm sorry.. He said he was having nightmares...  
  
Nightmares?! So just because he's having nightmares you--  
  
Wufei, calm down.  
  
No, I cannot calm down, Trowa! I mean, look at him! This is the worst I've ever seen him!  
  
The worst he's ever seen me? I muse as their voices wake me from my slumber. Slumber...haha, not even close..  
  
I push myself up slowly, only to find that I'm on a couch. So they moved me... I realize with dread what has just happened. Oh my God, did they see anything?! Oh shit, they better not have or my life is so over... Oh shit, shit, shit! And this goddamned headache sure isn't making anything better. And I can't exactly turn down to look or that might make me seem to conspicuous...  
  
Ah, Duo! You're awake! I hear Quatre exclaim. I turn towards him ever so slowly and manage to grin.  
  
`Ey, Quatre, what's up? I ask casually.  
  
Quatre blinks at me like I'm a freak (well maybe I am...) and I can see Wufei glaring daggers at me from behind. I wince slightly and turn my sight back to Quatre. So... Why're you guys all in here arguin'? You know, you woke me up with those loud voices. That's not polite...  
  
Who cares about polite, Maxwell! Wufei snaps angrily. You came here at God knows what time and got yourself drunk?! What the _hell_ were you thinking?!  
  
I was thinking that I could get drunk?  
  
You're so dead--  
  
Wufei, _calm down_.  
  
Trowa, shut the hell up! That idiot's gonna get a taste of my katana if he doesn't start answering my questions real soon--  
  
I did answer them, I answer calmly, grinning. And can you stop yelling like that? You're not making me feel any better.  
  
  
  
I wince again at his voice and watch as Trowa and Quatre have to restrain him from killing me. I smile in amusement and wonder if they should let him go. It'd finish my job a lot quicker, that's for sure. I don't know how painful it'd be though... Maybe I'll just do it...  
  
Um, Heero, could you help take Wufei away for a bit so he can, err, calm down? Quatre asks a bit uncomfortably, looking towards the left.  
  
At the sound of that name, my gaze follows his and it soon lands on the Japanese male standing to the side, leaning against the wall. My gaze narrows at him, and he avoids my glare.  
  
Without a word, he walks towards the pissed Chinese man and drags him out of the palour. I have to hide a snicker and a glare, both reserved for two different people, and glance at the two remaining figures in the room.  
  
It wasn't smart of you to taunt Wufei like that, Duo, Trowa states in his usual calm voice, but through my fuzzy brain I can detect that something is different about it. I cock my head, inviting him to continue.  
  
You had us all worried, even Wufei was beginning to wonder where you were and if you were okay, he said, a faint smile playing on his lips. I have to return it and shake my head in disbelief, then promptly regret it. I grasp it in my hands to steady the pounding.  
  
Oh, Duo... Maybe we should get you back to your room with some ice... Quatre says with concern, walking over and touching my head. I flinch back a little and shrug my shoulders.  
  
You don't need to, I say quietly. It'll go away soon. But hey, look at the bright side. I forgot what my nightmare was!  
  
Quatre and Trowa blinked, then the blonde smiled a big one. I'm glad you did, he says, removing his hand from my head. Well, I guess we'll leave you in here for awhile so you can recover. Oh, and don't worry, we won't let Wufei come in here, he added with a quick wink.  
  
I have to push back a laugh and grin. Thanks a lot, Quatre. You too, Trowa, I say, glancing at the silent boy. He only nods and follows Quatre out of the room. Quatre waves and closes the door, leaving me alone to brood.  
  
No, I didn't forget my . In fact, I think it just got worse.  
  
-  
  
Hahahaaa...Okay..this one REALLY sucked! X_x;; Sorry, people. Sorrrryyy..._x;; But I just typed 2-3 pages for the next chapter, so I hope I'm almost done with it. I think I just stopped cuz I'm stuck. Nuuu!!! Well, I'll see if I can do anymore. I hope you like this even a little!  
  
Oh yea, please go to http://www.wingless.nu/letters/ to read anything else!! Everything will probably be posted there from now on, but I might continue putting it here also. Oh well, whichever the case, I'll still email you!! ^____^  
  
10.28.02


	4. Indifferent Maybes

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing; don't sue me. K? k.

Warnings: Mild swearing, cutting.

Rating: R (adult situation: cutting)

Notes: If this chapter seems totally odd, guess what? It is. Duo's going through some new emotions since his last encounter with Heero. Fuuu. I'm sorry. The story is gonna take a new tone/mood/whatever. Oh, and sorry for taking so long. I'm barely alive. Hehe. _;

****

How You Gonna Handle?

written by Sakura Maxwell   
  
  
  
Chapter 4  
  
_Indifferent Maybes_  
  
  
_  
  
_  
So it's been two days since the incident involving alcohol and me. Everyone seems to have calmed down, but they aren't letting me in the small bar until…eh, until they think it's okay. Whatever. I can still go out and pass out in a public bar. The only thing wrong about that is I'm bound to get…sexually assaulted. I shudder and look out the window of the moving car. Quatre decided that we should all go out to a restaurant and enjoy ourselves since we haven't been out in quite some time. My alcohol incident has been, oh, overlooked for the most part. I guess they think that keeping away from that section of the mansion will solve it. Feh. Whatever. Let them live in their own ignorance.

I tug at my white collar, not too pleased at having to wear something as formal as a suit. At least Quatre let me wear my trademark color black. Trowa is driving, and Quatre is making idle chit chat with him. Wufei and Heero, always the silent ones, are merely staring out the window or the seat in front of them. It kind of sucks that I have to sit in the back with them. Oh well. They don't have to worry about me being my usual annoying self. I feel kind of…dead today. I can't explain why. I just…do. Ah, dead with dread. Maybe because on that day they found me unconscious, they moved me. _Moved_ me. They must have seen the cuts. How could they not? I don't even know who moved me. Maybe only one of them saw them, maybe all of them. Maybe they're not saying anything. Maybe they're lying to me and are actually taking me to the hospital. Maybe they didn't even see.

Yeah, right.

My distress must be noticeable to an extent because I hear Wufei mutter, "Stop bouncing your leg up and down. You're shaking the seat."

I laugh nervously and say, "Heh, sorry about that Wuff. It's just so _boring_ in this car. There's nothing to do." His eyes roll and turn back to the other cars rushing by. Not like he was interested in any of those. I bet he was off in his own land. I wish I could lose myself in my own land. Somehow, at this moment, I can't. Must because the number one person on my shit list is sitting right next to me, right in the middle between me and Wufei.

I eye him with contempt for a few seconds, then turn my attention to the cars as well. I can feel his eyes lingering on me. It's not a nice feeling. I wish he would stop.

Soon we enter a parking lot. Trowa grabs his parking ticket and drives through the parking lot maze until he finds an empty stall. We all climb out of the car and I stretch a bit. I don't like being cooped up. Especially with _him._

Quatre takes the lead as we enter the fancy restaurant and talks with the man at the front. Meanwhile, I tap my foot nervously and look at the many paintings on the wall. I wonder if people donate them. I guess I shouldn't really be nervous. We're really at a restaurant and not a hospital. But what if we're meeting a doctor here? A psychiatrist.

A psychiatrist? Pff, you must be kidding me. Like a psychiatrist could or would be willing to help me.

We're led to our table and given menus. Ah, an Italian restaurant. Great. I want pizza. But of course they won't have the Americanized version of it. Arr. I order the smallest thing on the menu, a pasta, and wait for the others to give theirs. I know they're wondering why I didn't order more. I mean, I'm usually the food vacuum. Eh, whatever.

As the waiter walks away with our orders, Quatre tries to conjure up some conversation. I inwardly sigh, not up to sounding like my normal self, all cheery and stuff, but if I didn't, then they'd _know_ I wasn't feeling right. So I managed to crack a few jokes and make Wufei mad a bit. We managed to make the time pass quicker, and found plates of wonderful smelling food on our table. Well, normally I would think that, but I felt my stomach churning. I really didn't feel like eating. Not that much. God, I thought the pasta was smaller, but…well…god.

I picked up my fork and proceeded to stick noodle in my mouth. Well, at least I'm enjoying the food. I still can't get over it, though. Me feeling like this. I haven't felt like this for quite some time. Usually just sad and enraged, but never…dreadful. I shrug it off and eat some more.

"What's wrong, Maxwell?" Wufei suddenly asks. I look up. "Usually you're scarfing down whatever food is in your path, but we've been eating for at least ten minutes and more than half of that pasta remains. Are you--"  


"I--I'm fine, Wufei," I respond. "Just…still feeing kind of sick."

"From?"

"Heero said he was sick two days ago," Trowa explained. "Whatever virus is infecting his body hasn't totally wore off."

"…Oh. That makes sense; he's calling me by my real name…" I hear Wufei say under his breath. He returns to his plate and continues eating.

"I totally forgot!" exclaims Quatre, his face worried. "I'm sorry, Duo. Do you want to go back home? Oh, we should take you to a doc--"

"It's okay!" I interrupt in panic. Quatre looks at me with concern. So does everyone else. Great, I've earned everyone's attention. I put my fork down and stand up. "I…I'm sorry, Quatre. I'm not sick enough to go to a doctor. Wouldn't want to waste their time, now would we?" He shakes his head slightly. "Right. So, um…I'm just gonna go outside for a while, okay? I feel kind of cramped in here." He nods and I can tell they're all watching me as I exit the restaurant. I shudder and lean against the wall.

Go to a doctor? Please, no. The doctor would examine me, tell me to take off my top. Then what? He'd see all my scars, especially the recent cuts. Then he'd tell the guys and then… Oh, God, I don't even want to think about it. Who would? …They would be disgusted with me. Horrified. Maybe they already know. I can't keep my mind off of that thought. That horrible thought that they might know. I sigh and slide down to the ground. I'm going to have to keep Heero away from my room for a while, and make sure he doesn't spill the beans if they truly don't have a clue about my cutting habit.

Heero…

I smirk and shake my head in dismay. I used to like him and I think I still do, to some extent. But now whenever I'm near him I feel so…angry. Probably because he never listens to me, and that time when he opened the door just kind of set me off. No one takes me seriously, and he was the one to make me burst. It could have been any one of them, but I probably ended up hating him more than I would the others because I like him. Man, that is so screwed up. I am so screwed up. I pull my knees up to my chest and hug them tightly. But as long as Heero doesn't tell anyone, I'm safe, right? Despite his odd behavior the past few days, a part of me can still trust him not to tell. Weird, isn't it?

A sigh escapes my mouth as I hear the restaurant door open and close. Well, better get back inside before people think I'm some kind of screwed up bum with nice clothes. I release the hold on my knees but before I can get up a pair of legs appears in front of me. My eyes narrow as Heero kneels down to my level. He looks uncomfortable. Well, so am I with him being this close.

"Duo, I'm so…" His voice trails off as I look the other way, not giving him the attention he wants. He sighs and tries again. "I'm sorry about…that night. I… I was just worried about you and… Well, I wanted to stop you from hurting yourself."

"So you kissed me to make me stop," I say, still not looking at him. "You couldn't of, oh, I dunno, taken the razor away from me instead? Why did you have to _kiss_ me? That's like, cheating Relena you know." I open an eye to peek at him. He looks at the dirty ground and sighs again.

"Must you bring Relena into this? She's no--"

"She's your future wife," I state flatly. "Why shouldn't I bring her into this? You go and kiss guys behind her back. I think I deserve to know why."

Heero's eyes widen, then return to their normal size. "You… You don't get it, do you?" he asks softly.

"Get what? That you're a cheating, lying, _gay_ bastard?" I retort.

He closes his eyes and his hand clenches on the ground. "Almost everyone can tell but you. In the same way, everyone could tell how you felt about me except _me_." He looks up at me. "Duo, look at me." I refuse. "_Look_ at me, Duo," he repeats, grabbing my face none too kindly and forcing me to look at him. "You used to like me, didn't you?"

I'm speechless. I never thought he would be able to say something like that so…easily. Well, I guess this isn't very easy for him, but it doesn't look like it's killing him either. I thought he would never bring something like this up. Never. I don't know what to say. I just stare at him, unable to say anything. He stares back, patiently waiting for his answer.

"That's right," I finally say. "I _used_ to like you. I can't believe what an idiot I was to like someone like you. Well, I'm glad you finally realized it. A bit too late now, but better late than never, right?"

Heero is hurt by those words. Even though he's trying hard to keep his serious features, I can tell I really hurt him.

Why should I care? He hurt me too. Ignored me, never took me seriously, never tried to help me. He didn't do a thing for me except save my ass when we were still fighting in our gundams. Damn him, it was always about the fucking missions. Always, always, _always_. Never _me_. But why should it be about me? His missions were worth a hell of a lot more than me. Relena too. He always saved her ass. She always made him save her ass. What a bitch.

"Of course…" Heero mumbles, "You hate me now, right? You said that. You hate me because I kissed you."

"I hate you because you don't give me any respect," I correct. "You didn't listen to me when I told you not to come in the bathroom, you taunted me when I wanted my sheets back, you had the _nerve_ to come back into my room… I mean, Jesus Christ, do you know what privacy means?" I'm all rustled up now. Damn. I don't want to return like this and have them poking me questions. I stiffly stand up and proceed to go back inside, but Heero catches my arm and firmly grips it. Slowly, I turn my head to look at him, my eyes showing total apathy.  
  
"Please," Heero says, his face scruntched up in agony. "_Please_, Duo, tell me. Do you really hate me?"  
  
I ignore him; his grip relaxes. I push the doors of the restaurant open and sit down at our table without saying a word. No one questions me about how long I've been outside. They keep their idle chatting as if I didn't come back, which is fine by me. Maybe they can feel my vibes wishing for everyone to leave me alone. Time passes by sluggishly and it's finally okay to leave. As we're standing up, Quatre's cell phone goes off; he answers it, nods, then puts it away.  
  
"Heero's gonna be outside with the car," he says. He follows Trowa out the restaurant, Wufei behind them. I bring up the rear with a rather decent sized gap between us, and climb into the backseat. Trowa and Quatre also climb in the back. We didn't even leave the restaurant when Quatre asks, "Heero, where were you all that time?" He also glances at me and I shrug carelessly, turning to face the window. "Heero?" But he wouldn't get answer. Sighing, I felt him lean back into his seat and start whispering to Trowa.  
  
I frown. That idiot probably stood out there all that time we were inside. It doesn't matter to me, though.  
  
I can't say I really hate him. Although I do dislike him, hate isn't exactly what I'm feeling. That night I was caught up in a rush of confusing emotions; I cried out things I don't think I really meant. At that moment, when he ...kissed me, I _did_ in fact hate him. But now? ...No, I don't think so. It's all jumbled up. I can't feel anything right now. Ugh. This feeling of total apathy.  
  
No, it's not apathy, it's something else. But what? I can't tell.  
  
The rain starts coming down with more force; the windshield wipers are turned on. Outside is grey and miserable, people running for shelter, whipping out their umbrellas if they have one. I let out a quiet sigh and it momentarily fogs up some of the window. I turn my attention to my hands, eyes lingering over my concealed wrists. My mind keeps repeating the same questions: What if they know? Is this how they're reacting to me if they really _do _know? How am I going to keep living like this, wondering for eternity if they know? My hands clench into a fist, then out, and I return my gaze outside the window.  
  
I see the mansion coming up, and Heero parks the car into the garage. We go inside. Wufei yawns. It must be around ten or so. The food made him tired. He and the couple all retire to their rooms, waving good night. I wave back and can't help but feel a little left out. I suppose that's unfair of me to think like that, considering that I've been quite distant with them for the past couple of days, but... Well, I don't know. I stretch out my arms and let out a yawn; I've been pretty tired too. I guess it's because I'm not really doing anything. I trudge up the stairs, Heero shadowing me, and go to my room. He enters his without a word; I hear his door close behind him, echoing mine. Shuddering, I strip and step into the shower, turning the hot water on. I'm sure Heero can hear this, seeing as his room is right next to mine. I wonder what he's thinking. He's wondering if I'm going to hurt myself, probably. Well...  
  
Eyeing the glass cabinet, I see my own pale, emotionless face staring back at me. Is that what I really look like? Did I look like that the whole day? Oh god. They definitely know something is wrong with me, something worse than a mere cold. Ugh. How am I going to solve all of this?  
  
As if those words triggered something within me, I reach out and open the cabinet. There was the bag of razors, silently beckoning me to use one of them on me. I grab one and sit inside the shower, staring at the small blade, and start gliding it over my arm, like I was set on autopilot. I run it over my left arm over and over again, harder and harder, until red liquid streams from it, dripping down onto the shower floor. It flows with the warm water down into the drain. I watch in awe as more and more of that crimson spills, disappearing with the water. Unaware, I drop the razor; it makes a little clang noise. It awakens me from my so called dream world and I slowly push myself up, leaning against the tile wall for support. My left arm hangs limp at my side as I turn the water off. I literally fall out of the shower and immediately wrap my towel around my bleeding arm. I can hardly see anything but sparkles of color, and my head starts to bang furiously. Staggering out of the bathroom I pull a large white sleeping shirt over me   
and collapse onto my bed, losing consciousness.

--

:x

*runs*

7.14.03


End file.
